


Five times James didn't tell Robbie he loved him

by McG



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-03 18:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17883386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McG/pseuds/McG
Summary: Five times James thought about loving Robbie but didn't tell him....and one time it slipped out, by accident.





	1. You saved me

**Author's Note:**

> A 5+1 considering all of James's silent pining for Robbie. 
> 
> I started thinking of this while I was getting ready for work this morning. Mere hours later, here it is.

_I love you._ James thinks. 

It's like a revelation. A knowledge - no - a truth. It blossoms up in him, from the tips of his toes to the top of his head. He feels like it must show, there must be light beaming out of his pores. 

He, James Hathaway, is in love with Robbie Lewis.

It's madness, utterly and completely. Considering the case they've just had. The reason he ended up needing to be saved in the first place. The wrath he'd directed at Will, but that was fear at his own self, really. His own pain, and shortcomings, and a sense that he was wrong. But that night with Will, and that argument. Telling him they were going to hell and they'd burn for eternity and being so afraid of damnation. 

It had been a turning point. 

And maybe that was why it was so hard, knowing what he did now about how it had changed Will's life for the worse. When James himself could trace back through all the pain and doubt and say that actually, for him, that was a turning point for the better. To find ways to love God and serve Him that did not require he deny his own true self. 

Funny how he could see that now, when mere days ago he still felt the echo of that fear and shame. Lewis asking him if he was gay, and wanting so badly to talk about how he felt but unable to say a word. How confused and muddled he'd felt. 

But he's been through the fire, and it has cleansed him. He still doesn't love the concept of labels, of having to define yourself for the convenience of the world at large. But he knows now that he can put himself firmly on that nice neat line down the middle. Neither one thing nor the other. That's been terrifying in the past, yet suddenly he feels at peace. 

Perhaps the fire was his Calvary? He's been tested, his soul crushed and torn and reshaped, and saved. He is reborn. Washed clean. 

He's filled with a tranquil calm. He's in love with Robbie Lewis and that's ok. 

_I love you._ James thinks. 

"You saved me," is what he says instead.


	2. All this...why?

Robbie, staring at the white boards lined up around the office. The photos blu-tacked in place. And James has been drinking in the office, and...smoking? There's the remnants of a pile of cigarettes on the desk, but no telltale smell. Anyway, it'd set the smoke alarms off, surely. 

"It's just, all this", Robbie asks, bewildered. "...why?"

 _I love you,_ James thinks. _I love you more than is wise. I carry your heart with me. Your pain. This hurts me, as it hurts you and I need to set this right. For you. I’d do anything for you._

He turns his back on Lewis. 

_He mustn't see. He can read me like a book. He’ll take one look and He’ll know. He can’t know. It’s too much._

"Well, you thought something wasn't right." he says instead. His voice is steady, level. Part of him in relieved - he’ll get away with it. 

Another part of him wails in anguish. It wants Robbie to see him, to know, to reach out and reel James in. 

James ignores that part. Straightens his rumpled clothes, worse for wear from the all nighter. Flattens his hair. 

Act normal.

 _I love you._

Act normal.

 _I love you._

Act normal.


	3. If you go, I go

"This change of direction opportunity for me with Professor Pinnock… it depends on whether you take early retirement." James says. 

_I love you._ he thinks. _That's what this is; what this is about. This job, for me, it's a way to see you every day. To be in each other's lives._

This love, filling every cell of his body. It's not pressing, or urgent, or even anything he feels he needs to declare most of the time. It's just there. 

James Hathaway is tall, his hair is blond, he has green eyes, and he's in love with Robbie Lewis. 

An undeniable fact - a constant around which his world turns. 

It just is. 

Usually it's fine. They have this partnership, this friendship. But here and now, knowing that things might change. That they are changing. Robbie's got a grandchild on the way now. If he goes, if he moves to live near his daughter. Well. James couldn't just sit by, doing this awful, necessary, soul destroying, soul-restoring, all consuming daily work. Not without Lewis. 

He thinks, idly, _what if i just told him._

_I love you._

Put it out there. Things are already changing, what would one more change be? 

But something stops him. A hesitancy in Robbie's eyes perhaps. His daughter, being pregnant, it must make Robbie think of his late wife. Of the missed opportunities and the way things could have been. So James says nothing. Loving Robbie is enough. Quietly, fiercely, protectively. He will love Lewis for everyday of his life. 

It's not like he needs to tell him.


	4. You need a partner, James

"For your sake, you need a partner, James." Robbie says.

 _I've got one,_ James thinks. 

"You need someone in your life." Robbie says. 

_I've got you._ James thinks. 

_I love you. You're what I have. This love, this friendship. It sustains me. I'll take whatever you're willing to give. I have a partner. I have you. I love you._

But he says nothing, and Robbie leaves. Goes to check on Michelle Marber. His kind heart, reaching out to help others through their pain. His own pain still radiating like a beacon sometimes. Quieter now, than when James first knew him. But still part of him. 

Maybe that's what holds James back. Keeps him from shouting his love from the rooftops. 

But it's harder now. 

To begin with this love was enough. Pure and honest even though it was undeclared and unrequited. 

But James feels heavy, weighed down. The cases stay with him longer. He feels the pain of humanity more deeply. It's harder to shake it off. He longs to crawl into Lewis' arms, to take shelter. To let this man's unending reserves of empathy wash over him, surround him, wrap him in a protective bubble. 

He needs Robbie in his life. Yet being with him is like scraping sandpaper against a raw nerve. Like his soul is laid bare, hypersensitive to the rough and tumble of the world. He feels like a hermit crab looking for a shell. 

_I love you._ he thinks, as he watches Robbie walk away. But it hurts now, to think it.


	5. I don't like what I've become

"I've got a feeling that's not what the fast track scheme's about," Robbie tells him, making light of his anguish. Putting him at ease. Concerned, always, for James' welfare. His happiness. 

James laughs, a note of hysteria on the edge of it. 

_I love you._ James thinks. Bells clang loudly in his mind. _I love you, I love you, Iloveyouloveyouloveyouloveyoulove._

"We can still meet for the odd pint, can't we? Two ex-coppers?" Robbie asks, as they sit in the beer garden, sipping at pints. 

"Of course," James tells him. He can feel the ghost of his hand reaching out, grasping, holding. But he doesn't move. 

_I love you._ James thinks, and thinks, and thinks. 

He thinks about shaping the words. He mouth moves, awkward. The words won't come. 

This feels like an ending, but maybe not quite. 

_I love you,_ he thinks. But he can't say it. 

Instead he apologises. Thanks Robbie. Feels inadequate for not being able to stick it out. 

_I love you._ He longs to say it, to reach out and touch. There's a wall between them now though. Laura, once a welcome sight, now a spectre on the horizon. 

James's brain is in turmoil. He still wants to reach out and touch. But since seeing them together, in the Turf the day he got back from his holiday-that-wasn't... Things are undeniably different. 

_I love you._

He longs to move closer. 

But instead he turns away. Walks away. Keeps walking. 

He pauses only at Innocent’s office, tries to hand her his letter of resignation, instead she cajoles him into submitting the paperwork for a career break. 

His mind is numb; he can’t resist her. He’s still walking. Keeps on going. Across Spain. Gets almost to the Cathedral, then stops. Realises he has no clue what will happen when he gets there. An end point of some kind, but he’s not ready to face that, he doesn’t want an end point. 

He’s not ready to give up. He can't stop loving Robbie. It's part of who he is, now. 

So James turns around, starts walking back. Charges his phone at the next town he gets to. Looks up return flights. Emails Innocent to ask about OSPRE. Contacts his bandmates who've been looking after his flat. There’s an email from his sister, too. She never bothers, outside of his birthday and Christmas. She says he needs to call her. A cheerful missive from Robbie, chattering about his day, his retirement projects.

Reality starts seeping back in, easing the panic. He feels like maybe he can breathe again. 

He’s ready to stop walking; ready to go back.


	6. You'll be missed

James follows Robbie and Laura through the halls of Heathrow airport. The signs lead them to the right part. He hovers while they stop at the check-in machines. The doors leading through to the security area loom ominously. The point of no return. 

James' heart is beating hard. 

_This was stupid,_ he thinks. Cancelling their taxi and turning up to collect them seemed like the right thing to do. But now he's here, he's doubting his sanity. 

_Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou_ pulsing in his mind in time with his heartbeat. 

Laura ducks out before they join the bag drop queue, making a mercy dash to WH Smiths. Leaving them alone. She's been so nice to James, so grateful for his collusion to get Robbie past his bout of nerves. 

James feels like a cad. Lusting after her boyfriend. He feels dishonest. 

He stands next to Robbie. 

_I love you._ He feels like it must be radiating from him. He's surprised when passers by don't look at him askance; can't seem to tell what he's thinking. 

"You'll be missed," James says. _I love you,_ he thinks. 

Laura rejoins them. James feels guilty. 

He places his hand on Robbie's shoulder, even as Robbie turns away, Laura tucking herself into Robbie's side. 

_I love you._ James thinks. 

"I love you." James says. 

Time stops. It takes James a moment to realise what he's said. What he's done. 

Robbie turns, one hand still on the baggage trolley. 

James stares at Robbie, Robbie stares back. 

James feels hot. His pulse is racing, thundering, deafening.

His hands are shaking. Adrenaline response. Fight or flight. Run away. 

Run away. 

Run away. 

James takes a step back. His face is twisted in anguish. 

"Wait," Robbie tells him. His voice is quiet but insistent. James still wants to run, but he's weak and he's never been good at self preservation. He stands still. Waits for the apologies from Robbie, for him to fight off his embarrassment and say some platitude to James. To make this ok. Because Robbie Lewis is a good man; and he always looks after James' happiness. 

And suddenly Robbie is right there, reaching out, pulling James head down to rest on his shoulder, his other hand rubbing James' back. 

"God, lad, you do drop some bombshells, don't you?" Robbie murmurs. 

He sounds wrecked. He sounds how James feels. 

"I'm sorry," James says, his voice muffled against the fabric of that terrible shirt, the meat of Robbie's shoulder. He feels strange, disoriented, like the world has shifted on its axis and he's not quite sure how to balance on this new plane. 

A smaller hand is placed tentatively against his ribs. 

Laura. 

God. 

"I'm sorry," James tells her, lifting his head and meeting her eye. "I'm sorry, I'll go, forget this happened." 

He's trying to retreat, to save whatever last shred of dignity he can, and to make a hasty exit. 

"Your timing could use some work," Laura tells him softly. But she offers him a small smile. 

"James," Robbie says. He says it like a question. Like something precious and delicate. He glances at James, then across at Laura. 

Laura shrugs, 

"I did try and tell you," she says to him. 

That makes no sense. James thinks. Tried to tell him what? She can't have known _this_. She must mean something else. 

But then Robbie is pulling him in close again, still with a hand on the back of James' neck, and he's kissing him. 

Robbie Lewis is kissing him. On the mouth.

And Laura is standing right there. 

"What?" James asks, pulling back. He's wrongfooted, entirely. "What?" he asks again. 

Robbie looks at him intently. Shrugs slightly. Kisses him again quickly. Laura is smiling at them. 

What? 

"You boys," Laura says, with affection. Then, "We can't exactly change the flights now, Robbie. We've checked in already." 

"I know." Robbie agrees, with an unhappy twist of his face. He's still looking intently at James. "You could have said something sooner." Robbie informs him. 

"I don't understand," James says, mournfully. 

This isn't following the pattern he expected, when his heart and his mouth conspired to make the declaration without consulting his brain. 

"We need to go. Drop our bags off, go through security. But we're coming back." Robbie informs him. "I know six months is a long time," he adds. "But you're very welcome to come out and visit. Make a holiday of it." he kisses James again, quickly. "We are coming back, James. This isn't forever. We'll come back to you. For you." 

Another kiss. 

James' head is reeling. 

"You've always been in our life, James." Laura tells him, rubbing his arm. "I knew, right from the start of this relationship. I knew you and Robbie came as a set." 

James stares at her. He wasn't aware that it had been so obvious, to outsiders. 

"We just weren't sure what that meant to you," Laura added. "What shape of relationship you wanted this to be." she stretched up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek again, practically the corner of his mouth, really. 

"Don't go to Spain," Robbie suddenly interjects, apropos of nothing. "Don't run away this time. Stay here. Be here, when we come back."

James nods. He lets Robbie slide out of his grasp as the other man steps back. 

Robbie glances at his watch and twists his face, regretfully. 

"I'll call you when we're through security?" Robbie offers, half a question half an order. "We can talk this through."

James nods again. One last brief kiss, and Robbie and Laura are walking away again. 

James stays in the departures hall for a while. He feels like he's floating. 

_I love you._ he thinks.


End file.
